…The phase with fog, dust, rain and mud. One morning, I woke up to the sound of loud banging and ruckus outside our tent, What was outside? I started crying, but I didn’t know if it was from the pregnancy or maybe because I got used to the bombing. Oudai went outside to see what was going on and they told him to secure our tent so that the rain wouldn’t flood it and drown us. He put sand and gravel on the edges to hold it down. He placed gravel and sand underneath our tents so the water could flow and I helped as best as I could.
I always had a feeling of guilt that everything that was happening to Oudai, being tired, immigration and being taken away from our families and houses was because of me and my son. However, I didn’t know where this feeling originated, or maybe it was just the way of human nature; you love someone from deep inside your heart, you would like to see them comfortable.
After ten days, Oudai’s family arrived at the camp and we got out of there with a guarantee from one of our relatives, who has been living in Jordan for many years. We got out, not knowing where we were going or what was awaiting us. We rented a place near the Syrian border in a village called Al-Bweidah. After a week Oudai’s family got out the same way and lived with us for two months. I woke up from my sleep at 3 in the morning with a pain in my stomach, I woke Oudai up to tell him that the baby was coming, I cried and he laughed with joy. 😕
Let’s go to the hospital, Oudai called to his mother. My pain was increasing and I could not take it anymore while I was going through labor. I was alone and these were the hardest moments in my life as if I have ever lived before. The pain was immense and I believed that life had closed all doors. After seven hours of continuous pain and with my last scream, I heard the scream of the newborn, who came to life healthy.
When I first saw him, while he was crying I started crying and I do not know who I said it to, but I told him: “Do not cry my baby, I am here next to you”, and I hugged him and stated nursing. For the first time in my life I felt as though I was mature now and a mother responsible for helpless baby who could do nothing without me.
Hours later, we were at home with mixed feelings of motherhood, love, joy and sadness. They all seemed the same. I am now in tears while writing this. Oudai’s mother as well as neighbors were so happy for us and helped us a lot and took good care of us. A month later, we moved to Amman because work was scarce in the village and we were told the capital had better opportunities.
We settled in a building downtown adjacent to the Roman Amphitheatre, which was the only place you can see many people, and where you feel good. My son grew up playing on the Amphitheatre stones, which witnessed many civilizations. When my son was a year and half old, I became pregnant with my daughter Meeral. Our life was very simple. Oudai was working at a traditional Jordanian clothes factory and I was at home with his family. When I knew that I was pregnant again, this time with a baby girl, I was so happy to have a sister for Samer. Nothing is better than having two children filling your life with joy.
Months later, Oudai was getting tired from the endless demands of life and he started a second job to secure our needs. Of course I could not finish my studies as it is costly and I could not work to support Oudai and leave my kids alone. However, God was watching over us.
Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan