His journey to Germany lasted 15 days. Our communication during that period was scarce. My joy was unimaginable when he made it to his dream destination– Germany.

Now our tiring journey really started as he began to apply for his residency papers while I took care of the two kids in Amman. I had to endure long hours of no sleep when the kids were sick — my life was miserable without Oudai. He used to comfort me sometimes and I used to comfort him some other times.

We used to tell each other that tomorrow we would reunite. Unfortunately, my suffering in Jordan is still ongoing however, because of the unfair system in Germany. He is still alone in Berlin after nearly two years. They gave him a temporarily protection status, which prevent us from applying for family reunification until 2018.

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

Now it was time for Meeral [our second child] to come to life and to live the exile experience at our tiny home. The same pain was back again. One night, I called Oudai while he was at work because I was in pain and afraid to be alone. He told me to go to the neighbors’ he would send his mother and take me to the hospital. After thirty minutes he arrived, I felt as if I had been in pain for thirty years. I was in labor for nine hours. Finally Meeral started screaming.

I looked at this beautiful fragile and cute face and my heart was stolen immediately. I called Oudai from the labor room and told him that I just had a baby girl. He was laughing at me because I had just been crying from pain. But by then, I had already forgotten that pain. After we went home, it was a big surprise for my son Samer — a baby sister who would share his toys. It took him a while to come to peace with the new reality. Meeral grew up so fast and when she was eight months old, they started fighting. At that time, I received a surprise visit by two workers from a humanitarian organization. The woman’s name was Joelle Eid and the man was called Marco Frattini. They had come to assess our situation. I liked them a lot and they loved my family. We quickly became friends.

During that period, I also kept contact with my family back in Syria. One day, my brother called and told Oudai that he was leaving for Europe by  sea and Oudai could join him if he wanted. He explained that you can start a new life and live a better situation there. Oudai had already been thinking this way. Everybody was leaving for Europe so why not us? 

We discussed the issue and agreed that our main focus was to secure a better future for our kids. We asked about more than one country and the choice was Germany. Later on, I came to regret that choice. Oudai made up his mind to travel [alone, ahead of us], of course with my permission, and told me that he would apply for family reunification once he arrived. A month after my brother’s call, Oudai was ready. We sold our household items and moved in with his family. Five days later, Oudai had bought a ticket and was ready to leave.

I will never forget that night. Every time I remember those days, I start crying. It was harder on me than the actual departure from our home in Syria. The pain was greater than going through labor. It is like your soul leaving your body. I wish I will never live this moment again. That night I cried non-stop. There were  only few hours until Oudai’s departure. When he said good morning and asked me to take care of the kids, then left for the car, I felt my heart split into two parts. I felt a strong pain in my left side and my tears could not stop falling for four days. I knew the suffering that I would have to face when he left. I already missed him within one hour when he sent me a picture of his boarding pass and a message that he was boarding the plane and he loves me so much.

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

I always had a feeling of guilt that everything that was happening to Oudai, being tired, immigration and being taken away from our families and houses was because of me and my son. However, I didn’t know where this feeling originated, or maybe it was just the way of human nature; you love someone from deep inside your heart, you would like to see them comfortable.

After ten days, Oudai’s family arrived at the camp and we got out of there with a guarantee from one of our relatives, who has been living in Jordan for many years. We got out, not knowing where we were going or what was awaiting us. We rented a place near the Syrian border in a  village called Al-Bweidah. After a week Oudai’s family got out the same way and lived with us for two months. I woke up from my sleep at 3 in the morning with a pain in my stomach, I woke Oudai up to tell him that the baby was coming, I cried and he laughed with joy.

Let’s go to the hospital, Oudai called to his mother. My pain was increasing and I could not take it anymore while I was going through labor. I was alone and these were the hardest moments in my life as if I have ever lived before. The pain was immense and I believed that life had closed all doors. After seven hours of continuous pain and with my last scream, I heard the scream of the newborn, who came to life healthy.

When I first saw him, while he was crying I started crying and I do not know who I said it to, but I told him: “Do not cry my baby, I am here next to you”, and I hugged him and stated nursing. For the first time in my life I felt as though I was mature now and a mother responsible for helpless baby who could do nothing without me.

Hours later, we were at home with mixed feelings of motherhood, love, joy and sadness. They all seemed the same. I am now in tears while writing this. Oudai’s mother as well as neighbors were so happy for us and helped us a lot and took good care of us. A month later, we moved to Amman because work was scarce in the village and we were told the capital had better opportunities.

We settled in a building downtown adjacent to the Roman Amphitheatre, which was the only place you can see many people, and where you feel good. My son grew up playing on the Amphitheatre stones, which witnessed many civilizations. When my son was a year and half old, I became pregnant with my daughter Meeral. Our life was very simple. Oudai was working at a traditional Jordanian clothes factory and I was at home with his family. When I knew that I was pregnant again, this time with a baby girl, I was so happy to have a sister for Samer. Nothing is better than having two children filling your life with joy.

Months later, Oudai was getting tired from the endless demands of life and he started a second job to secure our needs. Of course I could not finish my studies as it is costly and I could not work to support Oudai and leave my kids alone. However, God was watching over us.

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

I said jokingly, “No it’s just a false alarm . Yes, of course I am pregnant”.

We entered the tent where there was a lot of people: big, small, women and elders. This was the first time I felt as though I was lost among all these people. Oudai held my hand and asked, “Are you cold?” I didn’t respond because I was shivering, but my tears answered for me. I was scared that we were going to get lost here.

My husband was laughing at me  He was comforting me and wiping my tears so I wouldn’t cry anymore. He told me to stay there and to cover myself in the blanket. Then he went to see what was happening and to register our names so we could take a tent to protect our son from the cold of the winter — since he hasn’t experienced the world . We slept in the big tent for three days, which we later got to know by its name (The Reception Tent).

After a huge effort from Oudai — I could see the tiredness from his eyes — he secured a small tent for us, because sleeping among people we didn’t know was something strange, which I had never experienced before in my life. For three days I forgot about the war, the sound of bombardment and bullets, and destruction. All that I was thinking about was Oudai and my son, and how we would live here. Oh my god, how hard it is to migrate! How hard is it to move from your country to an unfamiliar country and be with people you don’t know. You don’t have your mother to cook your favorite dishes for you, and no father to return from work with yummy chocolates. There’s a test to determine your future!

After three days we took our tent that Oudai set up and I helped, but not very much. He told me, “Enough — sit, don’t tire yourself, you’re pregnant”. We entered it and sat . Our new house was in the camp, and there was also a place for kitchen appliances and house furniture. They gave us pots, two plates and two cups made of stainless steel. They also gave us two mattresses and blankets. It felt as though we were serving in the military, which is required in Syria ​

What is this? I thought to myself.

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

I tried to hide my tears and strengthened myself, going in front of Oudai to show him that I wasn’t afraid. We were going to the unknown but I didn’t care because i’m not scared. “I’m holding your hand and whatever happens at this point, I don’t care because I love you”, I said to Oudai. We continued our route and they put us in a tent on the border.

The Jordanian Border police told us not to worry and that they were our second home. The killings and deaths had ended and that their weapons were empty. They gave us food and water, but I didn’t want it. I didn’t feel anything. I left all my feelings behind. The only pain and fear were about my son and Oudai who had opened my eyes to love and warm feelings.

They took us in a big bus and told us that now we were going to enter Jordan (Al-Sarhan Square), an area bordering Daraa. The trip took three hours. There were lots of people — kids were crying and wounds were hurting. It was an unforgettable moment. When we entered Al-Sarhan Square, they put us in an another tent and told us that in the morning we would be in Al Zaatari Camp.

I didn’t know what ‘camp’ meant — I was thinking houses, walls and cement. When we got there, the sun hadn’t come up yet. It was on January 20, 2013 that they brought me into Jordan. I began to see a white, big and wide spot from afar. I thought it could be white colored plants or greenhouses. I didn’t know what it was till I got closer and closer, and they sent us in through a big door: UNHCR.  I asked Oudai, “What is this, a jail? Are they going to imprison us?” 

He told me “No. The driver said ‘the Al-Zaatari Camp welcomes you”’ ​ What is this strange thing, I thought. Here I felt as though my life was going to end.​

To be continued…

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

I had a laptop for my classes, there was a problem with it and I looked for places to fix it. I found a place named ‘International Computer Trade’. As I entered the store and saw a handsome guy . Certainly, I did not show what I thought of him immediately, and then he asked me for my number to call me for when he fixes the computer. I thanked him and left the store knowing he would call me–interested in me and interested in visiting my family in order to become engaged officially. Because he loved me and certainly I loved him back. In shyness I told him . Our engagement date was March 23, 2012 and a week later we got married on April 1, 2012.

Here, I started a new life with Oudai and his family, and I moved out of my family’s house to his family’s house where I lived with him, his mom and his siblings. The situation was hard in his governorate and was worsening by the day. At this time I learned that I was pregnant with my son Samer, so my joy was indescribable. I was crying tears of joy–this presented hope among destruction and blood. But it scared us a lot because Oudai did not serve the mandatory military service. They ordered all men to serve in the military and at that point we decided to run from house to house fearing government raids.

One day we decided that we cannot live in this country anymore, we have to migrate like the other people to a neighbouring country, and our only solution was Jordan. I exited my house onto the street and said goodbye to my family, except my father. I called him and asked, “Do you want anything I’m going to Jordan for two months until the crisis is over and I’m going to return.”

He answered, “I don’t want anything other than your health, may God bless you, my darling”.

To be continued…

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

I studied in the ‘Heteen’ elementary school. Afterwards, i went to middle school and high school then to college in 2009, I wanted to study international law and become a lawyer, but my mother did not allow me. She told me not to, and instead to study French, which jobs had a higher demand for. I fulfilled my mother’s wishes and studied French literature in Damascus College.

The first year was very hard, the language was not easy. I would study and return to my governorate, Daraa. I visited my family every week and returned to my college. The situation was normal and happy and our life was like everyone else. I succeeded on the second year, of course after a lot of effort because it was hard. In time, they opened a branch in French literature in my governorate. I decided to go back and study where my family was, which is better and I’ll stay with them. So then I returned and started to study and give French lessons to students because I become proficient in French .

​We were living our lives but the circumstances changed and the war began. There were killings, demonstrations and danger, so I would go to college afraid. My family was scared for me, but they didn’t allow it to stop their life.

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan

My friends Joelle and Marco managed to collect some money for me to get new passports for myself and my kids from the Syrian Embassy. I got them within two weeks. Then on September 5, 2016, I went to the German Embassy for an interview. Unfortunately, they told me that they cannot process my family reunification application until 2018.

It is unfair to keep a father from his children. He can only see  his kids through pictures and through hearing their voice  over the phone. They are keeping away the most valued    person in my life. He is part of my soul. My suffering with my  two kids is continuing, they scream when they see a plane    passing by and my love is in the diaspora, far away on earth. I  wish the ends of earth will fall so that we can meet. ​

Alaa

Age: 26
Country of origin: Syria
Civil status: Married to Oudai (in Germany), two children
Current residence: Jordan